The Waterfront, Politics and Pink Shorts

The Georgetown Waterfront is the closest thing DC has to the beach, so naturally it has become my own personal playground. There is something very alluring about the place and believe me, it is not the horrific food or the over priced drinks. It is not the scenic view of the Potomac nor is it the thrill of finally being able to enjoy the outdoors. Then why do so many torment themselves with long lines at the bar, obnoxious drunkards and suffocating crowds? To love the Waterfront is to love the people that you are guaranteed to meet there. These “colorful” characters truly make the Waterfront one of the most fascinating places in DC. You have the quintessential prepsters, the Popped Collar Crew, the Georgetown students, the Pink Shirt Association, the Prom Dress Princesses, the “I work at State” Brigade, the Salmon Colored Pants Posse, the Persian Mafia, the Loafer Lovers Squad, the cougars, and the mid-life crisis perverts. Perhaps of all of these groups, the two that that have made the most impact are the Kennedy Boys and the Reagan Boys.

The Kennedy Boys…*sigh*. As the paragon for perfection, they provide the best view at the Waterfront. A hybrid of preppy East coaster and laid back California surfer, these guys are a walking Abercrombie ad. Defined by their polo shirts, magnetic smiles, eyes that melt hearts and perfect hair (Ashton pre Demi), they exude confidence and charm without the haughtiness. Their incredibly chiseled good looks and laid back demeanor makes them an aberration to the man stock in DC. Sightings have been rare and to my dismay and not for lack of trying, personal encounters have been rather scarce, which is something I plan on changing once the weather gets nicer. Devastatingly, personal experiences with the Kennedy Boys have been more of a distant observation or quick walk by, whereas run-ins with the Reagan Boys has been much more frequent and given my uncensored nature, much more entertaining.

The only path that leads one to conversing with a guy in pink shorts covered with little blue whales is the path of the refreshing and always effective Loaded Corona. I have a theory that Reagan Boys approach me because I look completely different than the Waspy girls they are used to dating. Also at some level of subconscious dysfunction, they figure dating an Eye-ran-E-n girl would scare the shit out of their parents. Unbeknown to me, it is apparently not “proper” social etiquette to engage strangers in the discussion of religion and politics. However, in DC politics are ubiquitous and a bar is considered fair game. No matter how hard I try to restrain myself I somehow always break that cardinal rule and end up making a smart ass remark about my disdain for Bush and all conservatives. Thus begins a series of very uncomfortable and awkward moments where I am the only one laughing hysterically while they stare at me in complete shock like I am the Anti-Christ that just shouted “Reagan was a closeted homo!”

After a few sideway glances, someone mutters “hippie” under their breath and then comes The Question that always changes my fate: “Where in California are you from?” To which I proudly answer: “Southern California…Orange County!”, which then signals the next round of even more awkward moments accompanied this time by judgmental stares. The combination of unbearable tension and my inability to deal with uncomfortable scenarios gives me the biggest urge to shout: “Waterboarding is NOT torture!”, because at that very moment, immobilizing me on my back and pouring water over my face into my breathing passages repeatedly is far more humane than subjecting me to the judgmental stares of some pompous asshole sporting a bowl cut with his dress shirt tucked into his jeans held up by a McCain belt (not a fabrication).

No matter your preference- Reagan Boys, Kennedy Boys, Prom Dress Princesses, the Waterfront has something for everyone. And if you happen to not find what you are looking for, just remember that a Loaded Corona will never fail you.