Lessons of a Pub Crawl

Its 3:14 in the morning.I am wide awake. The culprits: a throbbing, pounding, violent headache and severe dehydration. It feels like something died inside my mouth and simultaneously grew fur. It could be the nausea or the unsettled feeling that I did something bad. Either way, I am up.

Still in my clothes from earlier that night, I make my way to the kitchen(with a lot of effort)to get some water. As I reach for a cup, I notice a “Coors Light” wristband and a black star stamped on my hand. I look down at my shirt and amidst the cookie crumbs and the ketchup stain I see green beads dangling from my neck- a shiny reminder of what had transpired earlier in the night.

Looking like one of those creepy zombies from Night of the Living Dead, I make my way back to my room (with a lot of effort), but not before I have an encounter with my roommate.

“How was your night?” she asks. “Did you have a lot of fun?”

After three failed attempts at speech, I finally find the words to sum up my experience: “I think I might be getting too old for this shit.”

“No!” she responds. “No, you are not!”

Normally those words would have been comforting, except they were coming from a 24 year old girl who mixes potions on her Harry Potter Wii game during her spare time.*

What could have possibly happened that was powerful enough to shake me to my core and have me questioning my youth? My livelihood? Two words: Leprechaun Lap

In an attempt to prove to everyone ( for no apparent reason), including myself that I can drink and party like a 20 year old frat boy (failed),I enlisted some friends to join me on an ALL day pre -St. Patrick’s Day pub crawl, better known as the Leprechaun Lap. For the past 9 years, Washingtonians have taken to Dupont Circle for an annual pre – St. Patty’s Day celebration , otherwise known as a good excuse for people of all ages to get really drunk in the middle of the day.

The morning of the big day, I woke up to an intense emotion that could only be compared to that feeling you have as a child before you go to Disneyland. The type of excitement that takes over your body and occupies your mind for days.

Well...this was no Disneyland (although there were plenty of cartoon characters, but they were more like Quagmire and Bart Simpson than Mickey Mouse). There were tons of people, infinite amounts of beer… and a lot of walking. It was exactly what I expected, but I was surprised at my reaction. Let me be clear... I still had a lot of fun. In fact, I had the type of fun that has you up 3:00 in the morning questioning everything you thought you knew about yourself (possible side effect of severe dehydration?). Like most chaotic experiences in my life, I came out of this event with many valuable life lessons.

Here is what I learned:

• Coors Light is NOT beer
• You never need an excuse for day drinking
• If someone asks you if you are Irish, nod your head politely and say “yes”. It is not an appropriate time for lessons in history, geography and global politics
• Telling a guy to ‘Facebook’ you instead of giving him your actual number could be taken as an insult
• I learned, the hard way, why it’s called a pub crawl. Although a pub stumble, is equally befitting
• Sake bombs in the middle of a pub crawl should be mandatory
• Green is the one color that looks good on everyone
• It is highly unlikely that you will meet a guy at a pub crawl that you can take home to mom ( no matter how romantic it seems, at the time)
• Julia’s Empanadas only accepts cash
• If a guy tells you he danced in The Nutcracker, he is telling the truth
• If a guy tells you he danced in The Nutcracker and thus proves it by demonstrating ballet positions … walk away
• If a guy tells you he is in the “organ donor collecting business” and he is completely serious… run away
• Burger King is NEVER a good idea
• Everyone loves an Eye-Rain-E-N girl
• While trying to impress a guy with your mediocre Spanish skills, do not try to be cute and ask “Tienes mota?” It will backfire!!!
• “Beer before liquor never been sicker” – wise words

In conclusion: No, I am NOT too old for this shit. I am TOO LAZY for this shit. The most important lesson that I learned is that I do not like to move when I am drinking. This whole bar hopping, going from one over crowded bar to the next… not for me. No. I want to be with a group of my own friends and sit in one spot the entire time, without moving. The only thing that I ask is to keep the beer flowing.

*DISCLAIMER. There is not an age limit to enjoying Harry Potter books and movies. There is however an age limit to pretending to be Harry Potter. Because, it is just too weird.