To Whom It May Concern

I am one of 14.6 million Americans unemployed. This does not take into account the 5.9 million who have stopped looking but say they want a job, and the 8.5 million who are working part time but would like to work full time. In other words, I am one of nearly 30 million Americans looking for a job. You would think it would make me feel better to know that I am not alone. However, I feel even more hopeless now, because I am competing with 30 million people for one job. To make matters even worse, I have to hear shit like this everyday:

“Double dip recession”

“Worst economic crisis since the Great Depression”

“Hundreds of thousands attend Glenn Beck rally”

“You can go marry a rich guy” (serious advice from a former colleague)

“Blah blah blah… you are shit out of luck. There is no hope for you”. Ok, I made this last one up. But you get the picture.

This entry is in no way inspirational. I do not offer any words of advice, because if I had some good ones, then I would perhaps have a job. If you are expecting something that offers hope or a happy ending, then you are either employed, in which case, I hate you already or you are highly delusional and could possibly benefit from reading this entry. This is my reality, or how I see it.

Let’s start from the beginning.

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To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Desperate Job -Seeker and I am interested in ANY position that is either: a) somewhat related to the field I want to get into b) somewhat related to the field I have previously worked in and c) somewhat resembles a job that pays me just enough money to avoid getting deported from the District of Columbia.

Attached please find (and utilize the skills you learned at the tender age of 5 and READ) my resume, cover letter and writing samples.

I look forward to hearing from you, which will most likely never happen and if it does (in 6 months), I will have absolutely no recollection of what company you are with and what position you are talking about, because by then I would have applied to 60,000 other positions.

Sincerely,

Desperate Job -Seeker
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Interview with the Vampire is Less Precarious and More Preferred

You have completed the application phase. Which means you wake up in the morning and apply to jobs all day, until your carpel tunnel kicks in. If you have the rare fortune to find yourself at an interview, which up until a few months ago I thought was a myth, a made up word, a hyperbole; here are the most common questions that they will ask. (Note- I have provided corresponding answers to add further humor to my story. Use them at your own risk, because chances are you won’t get the job and they will most likely call security on your ass).

Q: Do you have any questions for us?
A: Can you please hire me? When will you hire me? Am I hired? How about now? Am I hired yet?

Q: What are some of your Strengths?
A: I can tell you, but if you hire me, I can show you. *wink* OR

A: Clearly, I am not strong enough to take my own life despite feeling worthless for the last few months. Or does that count as a strength? I am strong enough not to take my own life despite the strong negative feelings I have about it.

Q: What are some of your Weaknesses?
A: I have plenty of weaknesses, but I will tell you some positive characteristics about myself and somehow take a question that is supposed to highlight my areas of growth and turn it into a discussion about my brilliance. So basically, I have just demonstrated one of my strengths. If you are smart enough to realize that, you will hire me.


There is a Fine Line Between a Follow Up Call and a Restraining Order

Congratulations, you are done with the interview phase and have sent the “follow up” email, thanking your interviewer for their time. They, of course, tell you that they will get back to you “by the end of the week”. You, of course, cannot accept this; thus begins the weekly “calling to touch base” phone calls. These calls eventually transform into the post interview stalking phase. During this phase you will spend more time talking to future employers than your actual family. Before you know it, you will find any excuse to call. “I got a missed call from you”, “did you call me?” or “you said…to…call…you?” (Note- I may or may not have a few restraining orders filed against me. My lawyer has advised me not to talk about them).


Excuse You

After months of extensive fieldwork, I have compiled a short list of the most common excuses used by employers. Below I have listed them and translated their meanings for discussion:

“x was out of town”,“x is out of town”,“x just got back from out of town” – This means that they do not want to bother their boss with your insignificance, aka perform their job. Ergo, they use their bosses name as scapegoats to mask their incompetence.

“We are still interviewing a few more candidates (4 months later).”- We don’t want you, but we don’t want other people to have you.

“Things have been so hectic, we haven’t had a chance to…”- Oh shit! I totally forgot about you, even though you have been calling me and checking in once a week for the past 4 months. Oh, well. I will get to it after I am done g-chatting my friend about our dream weddings, even though both of us are single and have not been out on a date for 6 years.

“We will get back to you by the end of the week.” – We will not bother to get back to you, ever. In fact, you will contact me the following week in which I will tell you one of the 4 excuses listed above.


Turning to the Occult for Assistance

Perhaps what makes the waiting Phase so difficult is the complete lack of control over the situation. You have gone on the interview, sent a “Thank You” note, a follow up email, made a follow up call, a “touch base” call and you have even sent a fruit basket and flowers. Now you wait for either a phone call from your potential employer or your lawyer. Either way, the waiting game sucks.

I have discovered that impatience and desperation can create a chemical reaction in the brain which convinces people to turn to horoscopes, superstitions and the occult for answers. For the past few months I have wasted several hours of my life looking through different websites to find horoscopes that are relevant to my career. Then, I have convinced myself of the validity of these horoscopes. I convinced myself that I was going to get the job because I have somehow equated “the moon is in retrograde” with “they will call you with a job offer tomorrow”.

If that wasn’t bad enough, I have become one of those people so obsessed with superstitions that I blame my friends for my bad luck because they have enough common sense to not take that shit seriously. For instances, its 11:11- make a wish, for ME. Get that white lighter away from me! It rained today, is that good luck for interviews like it is for weddings? I had an interview on my birthday; it has to be a sign. It is my birthday and it rained- I totally got the job.

It is quite amazing what people will do when they really want something. They might even consider dabbling in the dark arts to get what they want. For example, I ALMOST considered making a voodoo doll of someone who interviewed me for a position that I really wanted. I was never going to hurt the person; I just wanted to get them to hire me by using some voodoo magic. But then I recognized that my life has some repeated patterns which would most likely result in my plan backfiring; meaning I would somehow mess up the voodoo doll and end up accidentally killing the very person that could hire me.


The Prodigal Daughter

The questions every jobless person loathes-where do you work? What do you do?
I am honestly sick of hearing my own voice as I try to think of witty phrases or euphemisms to explain my unemployment. However, I am pretty sure people will judge me harshly if I said: “I spend my daddy’s money because I don’t have a job. I like to go to happy hours with my friends and drink and spend more of my daddy’s hard earned cash to support my drinking habit that was initially caused by my lack of employment. Then I drink more because I feel horrible, guilty and shameful for spending my dad’s money and for being unemployed. I can’t distinguish between the two feelings of failure, which makes me drink even more.” I guess I could just say I’m “in between jobs”.


You Know What They Say About Advice…

I completely respect my family and friends and I value their opinions. However, there are two pieces of generic advice floating around that will eventually leave me without any friends or family.

The first, “stay positive”. STFU you employed fool. Do not say another word because I am positive that I will drop kick you to the floor.

The other piece of advice, “have you tried ( insert the most obvious and trivial advice, leaning towards border line offensive it is so blatant)”. REALLY? Wow! I haven’t thought about that in the last 5 fucking months!!! Thank you for that wonderful piece of advice. If only I knew about this critical piece of information, I could have gotten a job months ago!!! All of my problems would have been solved. Your pearls of wisdom could possibly bring peace to the Middle East and solve world hunger.

I know that they are trying to be helpful and supportive, but at this stage, I am better comforted by negativity. I don’t want to hear: “I’m sure you will do fine”, “remember the laws of attraction” or “don’t give up”. I want you to tell me that my situation sucks and I want you to acknowledge that if you were in my situation, you wouldn’t know what to do either.

The EU

The only people that I want to hear from are people that do not have jobs. Misery loves company and I have become a great host! I want to be amongst like-minded people, people who can feel my pain and suffering. People who also see this world as a dark, empty, cruel place. So, I propose starting a club: the Embittered Unemployed (EU). And only those who have been unemployed and looking for work with no avail are permitted to join. We will meet once a month in the Dupont Circle park, because there is a lot of shade and the fountain brings me peace. First rule of EU - You do not talk about employment. Second rule of EU -Positive thinking is not allowed. Third rule of EU- Alcoholism is not condoned, it is mandatory. In fact, we will sit around, pass a bottle of vodka and discuss the many ways we hate this world and how we have become jaded and disillusioned by the whole process. We will discuss our hatred of human resources personnel and their futile existence. We will wallow in our self pity and lack of competence in being able to secure a job. It will be magnificent.

STFU

I hate people who complain about working and being tired. Bitch, at least you have a job. And no, the grass is not always greener, because I don’t even have astroturf. So quit your incessant complaining, be thankful you have a job and stfu.


“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity”

At one point in my life, this quote was really inspirational, funny how things change. What I now get from this quote is that luck is contingent on opportunities and preparation, that luck is not an entity on its own. What I also get from this quote is that the author, Seneca, is full of crap. We can use me as an example to prove that this statement is misleading and stupid. Despite being ‘prepared’ (component 1), qualified and experienced for jobs aka ‘opportunities’ (component 2), I am still jobless, aka I have no luck. Basically I have such bad luck that I am an exception to this quote. I have learned absolutely nothing from this statement. It is stupid and I don’t even know who “Seneca” is anyways; I’ve never heard of him. In fact, I’m beginning to hate him. His name even annoys me.

What I’m Trying to Say is…

Ultimately, you have to keep trying, unless you are jaded enough by the process to give up and settle for a life of quiet solitude. This means a rejection of all material objects and a diet of park squirrels. So, we keep going because eventually we will find that job and this struggle, this pain and suffering will all just be a distant memory, a bump in the road that helped “build” your character and strengthen you as a person. At least I hope so, because that is what I tell myself everyday. If not, then I am completely fucked because I have deluded myself into thinking it is true. It’s bad enough that I am unemployed and now I am delusional with no hope of ever getting better because I don’t have a job to pay for a psychologist.

I would be remiss if I did not conclude my raving and ranting with a little speck of hope. I leave you with these wise words from Norman Lear, who according to Wikipedia, “grew up in a Jewish home and had a Bar Mitzvah.”

"When I thought I couldn't go on, I forced myself to keep going. My success is based on persistence, not luck."
-Norman Lear